⠀⠀⠀Before my addiction began, I remember being one of those judgemental people who always had something to say. For someone who had never gone through it, I sure had this vivid opinion about it. It took me so long to overcome the shame I felt which stemmed from the judgement I once shed on others for their wrong doings.⠀Then came the stage of anger. Every time someone else would make a comment like I used to, it triggered me. My blood would begin to boil every single time. How could they say something like that? They don’t know. They don’t understand.⠀After a whole lot of growth, I actually began to understand both sides.⠀Some people are triggered by addiction because they tried to help someone who wouldn’t or couldn’t take it. Some are triggered because someone in active addiction hurt them in some way. Some are triggered because they simply just don’t understand it. I’m glad they don’t. I don’t wish addiction on anyone. I don’t wish loving someone with addiction on anyone. I don’t wish losing someone due to addiction on anyone. My only hope is that people switch their perspective when they look at someone who is an addict.⠀I can’t force anyone to change their mind. All I can do is keep talking, keep sharing, keep shining light. And if they don’t, that’s okay too. No judgement here, from me, ever.⠀I allowed what others used to say about addiction, along with what I used to say, dictate a lot. In my addiction, I had those things play over & over in my head. I told myself that the addiction had this hold on me. I told myself that I wasn’t worthy of getting clean because I had already made the bed & chose to lie in it. I swore that I didn’t deserve to escape those demons, I didn’t deserve to turn my life around, everyone would only ever see me as an addict for the rest of my life if they found out – so I continued to lie about it.⠀All of this led to shame, guilt, pain, heartache, self destruction, lie upon lie, health problems, always keeping a wall up, constantly pushing everyone away & running from everything. At the same time, those are all of the things that led me here to you today. And I am so thankful for that.⠀If y’all read my last blog post Raising Your Vibrational Frequencies To Live A More Positive Happy Life & Benefits Of Raising Your Vibrational Frequencies I talked about raising vibrational frequencies & how it benefits your life in a positive way. One of the things that helps to raise them up high is forgiveness, which is what led me to talk about this topic. Forgiveness is connected to guilt & shame so for myself personally, that was one of the first steps in my personal development. In order to grow from these things, I had to get rid of all of that shame & guilt, therefore I had to figure out how to forgive.⠀It wasn’t easy. I’d be lying if I said that it were. It takes work, it takes time, it takes dedication.⠀At 15 years old, I started drinking & partying. All in fun I thought. At 18, I started smoking cigarettes. And, at 19, I started abusing prescription pain killers along with dabbling in some other things. Every single bit of it were things I swore I’d never touch. And, although I always drank, it got really heavy again at 21 & I didn’t slow down for a while. Still dabbling here & there throughout but never falling back into that addiction again. I’ll tell you something though, drinking was just as bad as the rest of it – it all had the same affect on me personally.⠀I was an addict with a conscious. Although it had a grip on me so many times, the more I did it the more guilt I felt, which drug me even further down. I felt bad for the things I did, for the people I hurt, but at the same time I felt like I couldn’t escape. And it was such a trapped feeling.⠀There were so many times when I was in negative environments, around negative people, in not so good places. I put myself there. I did that.⠀The point of all of this though, isn’t about the negative aspects but about where it led me.⠀I found a way to work through all of it, to overcome, to grow. Something I said that I would never be able to do because I didn’t know how.⠀I made those things become who I was, I told myself it was too late for me. I fed myself so much negativity that I truly believed that’s all I would ever be worth, all my life would ever amount to.⠀I’m here to tell you just how much bullshit that is… Its NEVER too late to change your life. Its never too late to be happy. The thing is though, you have to want it. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get there.⠀I was one of those people who had to learn everything the hard way. I had to learn everything on my own. At the end of the day, it made me a stronger person, it built me into who I was. But I wouldn’t have gotten there if I didn’t make the choice to do it. It starts with you & only you.⠀Looking back… there were times when I could have lost my life, gotten seriously hurt, times where others could have gotten hurt or worse. There were times when I was taken advantage of & used. Times when I was so scared that I didn’t know what to do, who to call, where to go. Situations that made me so uncomfortable & uneasy. So much could have happened to me or to the people around me because of poor decisions. The scariest part, I didn’t realize some of it until long after. And when I did realize it, even more guilt & shame arose that I eventually also had to work through.⠀For so long I worried about having fun, forgetting everything, numbing the pain, trying to fit in somewhere. What I didn’t realize was how much damage it was going to do to me & to my life.⠀I was so far from living as my true self it wasn’t even funny. I had no idea who I was, what I was doing with my life, where I was going. And sometimes I didn’t care to be honest with you.⠀The things I was doing… they weren’t me but I thought that because I did them, it was who I would always be. So untrue. Your mistakes aren’t who you are, they are simply things you did. It doesn’t matter how long it takes for you to learn from them or grow past them, as long as you get there. Baby steps, love.⠀Once I got sober I realized, God forgives everyone. No sin is greater or less than anyone else’s – it’s a sin regardless. And the only person I had to answer to was the Lord above. I knew that if I asked for forgiveness, He would forgive me because I am His child & because I truly wanted to be forgiven. I know that not everyone believes in God, or with what I just said, & that’s okay baby, that is why it is MY belief.⠀We were all given free will. It’s up to us to choose wisely, it’s up to us to grow from the things we do or don’t do. It’s all a choice that we as individuals must make.⠀The trauma, grief, pain, coping, lies, shame, guilt, all of it led to complete self destruction. I wanted to run away from it all. I didn’t want to face any of it. I didn’t know how to work through it. I thought something was wrong with me. Why could some people handle things like this so much better than I could? What was wrong with me? I had no idea. But I do now. And that’s what led me here to you beautiful souls today ♡⠀I want you to know, it’s never too late, you’re never too old, you’re never too far gone, & you’re never alone, you’re never a lost cause. I want you to know that running away doesn’t make these things disappear, sometimes running only makes it worse if I’m being transparent with y’all. Trying to mask the pain only makes it stop temporarily. The things always surface eventually. And I think thats why for some people it’s so hard to recover. It took me years.⠀Eventually, you’re going to have to face these things, you’re going to have to work through them. You’re going to have to learn to release & let go. Accept them as what they are. Everyone makes mistakes no matter how big or small they are. They are made to learn & grow not to sulk in them forever. When you sulk, you tend to stay stuck in the same vicious cycle. Some lessons take years to learn, others you learn right away.⠀Working on yourself internally is where it all began for me.⠀I’m going to get deeper into these things in the future but for today, I’m going to share just a few things that helped me Kickstart my own growth that you could implement today. As a matter of fact, I challenge you to do so & take note of how you feel after each day.⠀
- Practice self care: this could be anything at all. As long as you’re doing something that YOU enjoy, something that lights YOU up, that makes YOU happy. Do this or these things daily. Make time, even if only for 5 minutes.
- Journaling: every time something was bothering me, every time I felt happy, sad, angry, frustrated, etc. Each time someone else did something that bothered me. I journal about it all. And if you want to take it one step further, burn it, rip it up when you’re done as a release.
- Forgiveness is huge for all types of growth. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. This part was by far the most difficult but also the most rewarding.
I’m not here to overwhelm you so I just wanted to share some bits & pieces about my addiction & how I started my personal growth journey. It wasn’t until years after I was clean when I started this journey but it helped me to come to peace with all of the shame & guilt I had felt after the fact.⠀I also wanted to share these 3 little things that you could start implementing into your daily life to help you, your growth, your peace, your journey.⠀It doesn’t matter if you struggled with addiction or something else – that’s not the point. The point is having tools under your belt that you can use daily to overcome & grow. These tools can be used under any circumstance.⠀I challenge every person who is reading this today to create a list of things that you can use for self care practice every day.⠀I challenge you to begin Journaling about something that is on your heart.⠀I challenge you to start working on forgiveness of yourself & others.⠀I am more than happy to walk with you on your journey & support you along the way.⠀Comment, share, reach out to me personally. Whatever you feel called to do, I’m right here 🤍✨🌻